Why your parent keeps saying "what?" on the phone
"What?" three times, then "never mind"
Tuesday, 6:40 p.m. You call your mom to ask how the cardiologist appointment went. She says "what?" You repeat it, louder this time. She says "what?" again. Third try, you say it slower, and she says "never mind, it's fine, I'll tell you later," and the call is over in four minutes, with you doing most of the talking. You hang up and sit there for a second. Is this it? Is this the start of her losing her memory?
Maybe. But before you spiral into that, there's a much more common explanation, and it's a cheaper, kinder one to fix.
It's probably not her memory
A Baycrest study that looked at older adults referred for memory and thinking problems found that most of them had hearing loss, and a quarter showed no sign of any brain disorder at all. The clinician who led it put it plainly: you can't remember something you never actually heard. If your mom only catches every third word of a sentence, her brain fills in the rest with a guess, and the guess is sometimes wrong, sometimes a non sequitur, sometimes nothing at all. From across the room that looks exactly like confusion.
Hearing loss and dementia risk are also linked in the research, and hearing aid users in long-term studies show lower dementia rates than non-users with similar hearing loss. Nobody has proven hearing loss causes decline. But a hearing check is one of the few cheap, low-risk things you can rule out before you start using the word dementia in your head.
Why it hides for years
In person, she's compensating without knowing it. She watches your mouth. She reads the room. The TV is loud enough that she's set her own volume, so she doesn't notice the gap. The phone strips all of that away. No face, no context, no lips to read, just a voice competing with her own tinnitus or a bad speaker. That's why the phone is often the first place hearing loss shows up, long before anyone would call it a problem at the dinner table.
She also won't say "I can't hear you" outright, not for a while. It feels like admitting something bigger. So you get "never mind," or "fine, fine," or she laughs at the wrong moment because she caught the tone, not the words. Families usually read that as stubbornness, or as early memory trouble, or as her just drifting off during the call. It's worth considering that she simply didn't hear the question.
Get it tested, not guessed
Don't start with a $40 sound amplifier from a pharmacy aisle or a marketplace listing. That treats the symptom and skips the diagnosis, and the wrong fix can make background noise worse without helping speech at all. Ask her family doctor for a referral to an audiologist, or call a clinic directly. Many take self-referrals for a basic hearing assessment. It's quick, it doesn't hurt, and it gives you an actual number instead of a feeling.
If you can be in the room or on the call for that first chat with the audiologist, do it. Parents understate their own hearing loss to a clinician the same way they understate it to you.
What Ontario will help pay toward it
If a hearing aid is the result, Ontario's Assistive Devices Program covers 75 percent of the approved cost of eligible hearing aids, and your parent's income isn't part of the decision. There's a process to go through before buying anything, through a registered vendor, so ask the audiologist to walk you through the ADP paperwork before a dollar is spent, not after. If your parent is on Ontario Works or ODSP, the program covers the full cost instead. Outside Ontario, ask the audiologist or your parent's pharmacist what the provincial program covers, because the rules and the name of the program both change at the border.
Don't quietly cut back on calling
Here's the part that catches families off guard. Once a few calls in a row go badly, it's tempting to just call less, because the "what, what, never mind" loop is frustrating for both of you. Resist that. Say her name before you say anything else, so she's not guessing who's talking before the sentence even starts. Use speakerphone, not the handset held wrong. Slow down instead of shouting, since shouting distorts consonants more than it adds clarity.
Some families lean on a second, simpler layer of daily contact while the hearing side gets sorted, something that doesn't depend on anyone remembering to dial. GentleRing is one option: it calls at the same time every day, around her medication time, and says her name when it rings. The same call often turns into a few minutes of real conversation, and for someone living alone, that's frequently the reason she keeps answering at all. It's not a hearing fix and it won't replace an audiologist. It's just one way to keep a daily touchpoint going without it all resting on you catching her on a good connection.
Do this week
- Book a hearing assessment. Ask the family doctor for a referral or call an audiologist and ask if they take self-referrals.
- Hold off on buying anything, an amplifier, hearing aids, anything, before that assessment happens.
- Ask about Ontario's Assistive Devices Program (or your province's equivalent) before any purchase, not after.
- Switch phone calls to speakerphone and say her name first, every time.
- Write down which words or situations trip her up most. Bring the list to the audiologist appointment.